I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently lowered the window
And crushed his fucking head
I'm not a morning person...
THE DYING MAN
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death'S agony, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
wafting up the stairs. He
gathered his remaining strength, and lifted
himself from the bed. Leaning
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of
the bedroom, and with even
greater effort forced himself down the stairs,
gripping the railing with
both hands. With labored breath, he leaned
against the doorframe, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony,
he would have thought
himself already in heaven: There, spread out upon
newspapers on the kitchen table were literally
hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it
heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love
from his devoted wife, seeing
to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
toward the table, landing
on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched
lips parted; the wondrous
taste of the cookie was already in his mouth;
seemingly bringing him back to
life. The aged and withered hand shockingly made
its way to a cookie at the
edge of the table, when his wife suddenly smacked
it with a spatula."Stay out of those they are
for the funeral.
Laws of the Universe:
1. The 2 most common elements in the universe
are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes
misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard
this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are
Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster
than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a
8. It has recently been discovered that research
causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given on open-book exam, you
will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home
test, you will forget where
12. The trouble with doing something right
the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning
14. Paul Wojciak's Law: You can't fall off
15. The average woman would rather have beauty
than brains, because the average
man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have
little or no influence on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their
vitality by moving from where you left
them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever
it is that hits the fan will not
be evenly distributed.
19. Supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces
20. Dick Baker's law: The circuit always
knows what it is doing; it is up to
you to find out what it is doing.
Heaven or Hell
A very good saintly lady died and went to Heaven.
when she reached the
gates of Heaven she heard a blood curdling scream
so she asked the gateman
what was happening. He told her not to worry as
they were drilling holes
into the head of a very good lady to fix her a Halo.
After a couple of
minutes she heard another worse blood curdling
scream, again she asked
what was that. She was told not to worry that was
another good lady have
holes drilled into her back to fix her wings. At
that the lady started
running towards the gate and said i want to go to
Hell. The gateman told
her, Good Lord, Lady, You will be raped and
sodomized there. The good lady
replied, "Well, Atleast I have the holes for it"!!!!!!!.
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest,
"I had an affair
with a woman - almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same
as putting it in. You're
not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in
the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says
his prayers, then
walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment
and then starts to
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over
to him and says, "I
saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against
it and you said it was
the same as putting it in!
The Gay Bar
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name
of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink".
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me
the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan
'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers,
because 'It' really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him
a second to think it over.
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a
beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer
asks, "Why? Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin'
and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is
sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job
1." Then he adds,"Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes
up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and
exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A
When Mike got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held
Mike said, "Claudia Schiffer's boobs
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in
and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful
day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things
you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next
to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just
can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man
asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the
bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man
laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just
can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the
bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't
explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my
belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down
and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."