SHARKFEET
JOKES PAGE 1
# 9 Mr. Clumbsy
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the
clerk a question. As he turns
to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
into a woman beside him and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your
heart is as soft as your breast,i know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as
your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
# 8
1ST
Timer
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I
want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young
man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the
house."
No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid
of the taste, nothing
will."
#7
WHATS YOUR NAME?
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough
be seated next to anabsolutely gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual
about
sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians having
the
longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way,my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski nice to meet
you."
#
6
NOT TONITE HONEY
Â
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the
husband gently taps his wife on
the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife
turns over and says:I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to
stay fresh." The
tries to sleep.A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps
his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you
have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
#5 Pickle factory
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been
employed there for a number of years when he came
home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his
penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that
he should a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks
later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?" Oh, Bill, you didn't."
Yes, I did." My God, Bill, what happened?"
I got fired." No, Bill. I mean, what happened with
the pickle slicer?" Oh...she got fired too"
#4
SICK WIFE
A
man was visiting his wife in hospital where she
has been in a coma for
several years. On this visit he decides to rub her
left breast instead of
just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a
sigh. The man runs out
and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign
and suggests he should try
rubbing her right breast to see if there is any
reaction. The man goes in
and rubs her right breast and this brings a
moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man
should go in and try oral
sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a
personal act and he doesn't want
the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in
then comes out about five minutes later, white as
a sheet and tells the
doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what
happened to which the man
replies: "She choked."
#3
PET ALLIGATOR
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his
side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons. "I'll make you
a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place
my genitals inside. Then
the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd
murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
bar, dropped his
trousers, and placed his privates in the
alligator's open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a
minute, the man grabbed a
beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the
top of its head. The gator opened his
mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed
as promised. The crowd
cheered and the first of his free drinks were
delivered. The man stood up
again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone
$100 who's willing to give it
a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while,
a hand went up in the
back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll
try, but you have to
promise not to hit me on the head with the beer
bottle
#2
TURNER BROWN
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A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he
gets in he notices a huge
black dude standing next to him. The big black
dude looks down upon the
small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound
left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The
small white guy faints !!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy
and brings him to, slapping
his face and shaking him and asks the small
white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy
says; "Excuse me but what
did you say?". The big black dude looks down and
says "7 foot tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound
right ball, my name is
Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank
god, I thought you said
'Turn
around.
*And the #1 joke of all time, in the
world !!
NOT
There was this couple who had been married for 50
years. They were sitting
at the breakfast table one morning when the old
gentleman said to his wife,
Just think, honey, we've been married for 50
years." "Yeah," she replied,
Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here
at this breakfast table
together." "I know," the old man said, "We were
probably sitting here naked
as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny
snickered, "What do you
say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two
stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the
little old lady breathlessly
replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as
they were fifty years ago."
I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's
in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal!!!!
IMIGRANT
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS
.
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a
construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of
sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of
sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I
expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he
returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The
Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the
Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but
he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I
thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get
meself a shoovel!
Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of
supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the
pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ... Just then, the
Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells
.
SUPPLIES!!
***
*
THE "F"-WORD STYLEGUIDE
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Jane) and intransitive (Jane was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Jane really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Jane is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Jane is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Jane is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Jane).
It can even be used as a conjunction (Jane is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck"
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
Greetings:
"How the fuck are ya?"
Fraud:
"I got fucked by the car dealer."
Resignation:
"Oh, fuck it!"
Trouble:
"I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression:
"FUCK YOU!"
Disgust:
"Fuck me."
Confusion:
"What the fuck.......?"
Difficulty:
"I don't understand this fucking business!"
Despair:
"Fucked again..."
Pleasure:
"I fucking couldn't be happier."
Displeasure:
"What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost:
"Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief:
"UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
Retaliation:
"Up your fucking ass!"
Denial:
"I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity:
"I know fuck all about it."
Apathy:
"Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
Suspicion:
"Who the fuck are you?"
Panic:
"Let's get the fuck out of here."
Directions:
"Fuck off."
Wonder:
"How the fuck did you do that?"
----------------------------------------
I
t can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?"
(Mayor of Hiroshima)
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
(General Custer)
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
(Captain of the Titanic)
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
(Richard Nixon)
"Heads are going to fucking roll."
(Anne Boleyn)
"It's someone's 100th fucking birthday today!"
(Willard Scott)
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
(Albert Einstein)
"It does so fucking look like her!"
(Picasso)
"How the fuck did you work that out?"
(Pythagoras)
"Fuck a duck."
(Walt Disney)
"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
(Edmund Hilary)
"She wants how much fucking money?!?!?"
(Donald Trump)
"Look! Almost every fucking kernel popped!"
(Orville Reddenbacher)
Now go out there and use the word properly !
Vacuum salesman
There is a man selling vacuum cleaners door to door.
He knocks on the door of an elderly woman. She opens
the door and he notices right away that she
does not have her false teeth in.
So, thinking
maybe this is a bad time, he tries to excuse himself.
The woman insisted that he come inside.
So he
follows her into the living room and starts his
demonstration.
As he is going through the demo,
he notices that she has a bowl of peanuts on the
coffee table. Now he was a little hungry so, he
popped a few in his mouth. He continued telling
her about the vacuums he was selling.
By the end
of the demonstration he had eaten the whole bowl
of peanuts. He smiles sheepishly and says, "Oh I
am sorry M'am, it looks like I have eaten all your
peanuts. " And the old lady says..."Oh thats quite
alright.
Without my teeth, I cant chew the peanuts
so I just suck all the chocolate off them."