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Blonde Jokes A blonde at a party was telling her friend that she was off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good. From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator." "So, what will you do when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "I'll just fake an orgasm like always." BLONDE at the video store A blonde wanted to rent an X-rated video. at the store she selected a title that sounded hot.At home she put the tape in the VCR, but there wasn't anything sexy on the screen,just snow and static. She called the store manager. I just rented an adult movie from you, she complained, and there is nothing on the tape but static. Sorry about that miss, which title did you rent? The blonde replied, "according to the box, it's called "Head Cleaner." There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park,grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this not "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, "The Blonde". She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.Inside the bag was the following note ... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another." A BLONDE AND her husband were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear." TWO BLONDES ARE walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" A BLONDE SUSPECTS her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next. WHAT DID THE blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? Is it mine?" A GIRL WAS lost walking along the bank of a river when she noticed a blonde standing on a dock across the river. The girl shouted to the blonde: "How do I get to the other side?" The blonde looked left, then looked right, then shouted: "You ARE on the other side!!" The Painter There was a blond everyone thought was stupid she wanted to prove them wrong. She decided to paint the house. When her husband got home he smelled paint he went into the kitchen and saw his wife on the floor with sweat and two jackets on. Her husband asked her why she was wearing two jackets and covered with sweat. His wife replied I was painting the house and I read the paint can it said for best results put two coats!!!!!!!!!! One Liners Blonde Jokes Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Give her a pack of M & M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order. Q: Then what does she ask you? A: Does M come before W or 3 before E? Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant Q:Then what does she ask you? A: Is it mine? Q:What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A Golden retriever Q:How do Blonde brain cells die? A: Alone Q:What do you call a blonde with a dollar stuck to her forehead? A: All you can eat under a buck. Q:How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upsidedown Q:What do you call a bleach blonde who works for MENSA? A: A peroxymoron Q: What do you call an eternity? A: Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First. Three blondes were driving to DisneyLand. After being in the car for six hours they finally saw a sign that said "DisneyLand "left", so they turned around and went home. Q: What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common? A: You always hear about them, but you never see them. Q: How can you tell which tricycle is the blonds'? A: It's the one with the kickstand! Q: Why did the blond stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed? A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep! A Blonde and a Burnette are walking down the street. The Burnette says "Look! A dead bird". At this, the blonde looks up and says "Where" Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store? A: They are both 10¢ a screw! Submitted by: Claude Wimberly Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme! Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings? A: To put their feet through. Q: What's a brunette's mating call? A: Has that blonde gone yet? A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!? A3: "All the blondes have gone home!" Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces him/her self. A2: Walks home. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead. Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? A: Her feet! Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets. Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road? A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!? A2: I don't know. R: Neither did she. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her boyfriend was also blond! Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"? A: She liked to be filled with cream. Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears? Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York? A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says, "Are you done already?" The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone. Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men. A: Their heels. Confucius say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up. Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy. Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde? A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on. Q: Why do blondes have vaginas? A: So guys will talk to them at parties. ... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today" Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants. Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod... Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A: You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball. Q: Why do blondes wear ponytails? A: To hide the valve stem! Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air. Imitation of a blonde refuelling.. (Flap hand, blowing air into ears) Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? A: Air Pockets The Boss There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too. The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left. The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!" One Liners Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together! Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period. Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? A: The rest are hunt'n peckers. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag) ? A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?" Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist? A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months. Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook. Blonde computer nerd A blonde saw a "¿" on her computer screen and asked another blonde, "How do you do that?" She responded . . . "Simple, turn the keyboard upside down!" NEXT