Sharkkfeet Jokes Lame Pick up Lines. Worth reading but not recomended for personal use. Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.? As she's leaving....Hey aren't you forgetting something? She: What? Me! As you walk by, turn around and say: Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? No. Damn! At the Laundromat, "How much bleach should I put in with my good suit?" Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her. Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room" and the grand prize is a night with me! Damn, I thought "very-fine" only came in a bottle! Did you know that there are 265 bones inside of your body? {Wait for answer} "Yeah, and I could show you how to get one more?" Didn't I used to always pull on your ponytail in grammar school? Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants. Do you have any Irish in you? (if no…) Would you like some? (if yes…) Want some more? Do you have rubbers at your house or should I pull out? Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number? Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? [No!] Do you want to do lunch? Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk. Do you like music? (Yes) Good, I've got a great stereo system at home! Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room? Does your boyfriend know where you are? Excuse me, do you believe in one night stands? Excuse me, do you think you might possibly have a mutual friend who could introduce us. Excuse me, I am about to go home to masturbate and needed a name to go with the face. Excuse me, I'm looking for a you want to be my friend? For a fat chick, you sure have small tits. Gee, for a fat girl you sure don’t sweat much. Go up to a girl, ask her: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" She says no. Then wink. Have you heard the latest piece of medical knowledge saying that Sex is a real killer? Do you want to die happy? Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? (after she slaps you or leaves) HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza? Hi there! Do you want to see something really swell? Hi! Hi, are you here to meet a nice man or will I do? Hi, how are you? Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no. Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long, and think it's time to see if I'm right. Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot? Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far? Hi, my name's Dan. You might want to remember it now, because you'll be screaming it later! Hi. You'll do. Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "Cause they're mine sweetheart." How do you like your eggs cooked? [Why?] Well I just wanted know what to make for you in the morning! I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated. I had sex with someone last night. Was that you? I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me? I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away! I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you are!! I know milk does a body good, but baby, how much have you been drinking? I like every muscle in your body, especially mine. I seemed to have lost my way, would you mind taking me with you. I was going to tell you a joke that'll make your tits fall off. But it looks like somebody beat me to it. I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are? I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it. If a women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You should answer: "Yeah! Do you have the energy?" If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me? If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question? If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment? I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment? I'm not trying to pressure you. I don't want to have sex without mutual consent; oh and by the way, you have my consent. I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Her: No. Well then, please start. I'm the kind of man who deserves to have women I don't deserve. Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off? Is you father a lumberjack [No, why?] Because when ever I look at you, I get wood in my pants. I've been slightly depressed ever since my vasectomy. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good. I've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your G-spot. Let's have breakfast together tomorrow; shall I call you or nudge you? Lick your finger and touch the person, touch yourself with it and say, "Let's you and me get out of these wet clothes." May I flirt with you? My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck? Oh my sweet darling! For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me. Overheard in our computer lab: Just because your computers are incompatible, doesn't mean we are. Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours? Say, did we go to different schools together? Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice? Sorry to bother you, but I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that. Take a screw with you and put it in your pocket. Then, when a girl comes up to you, offer her the screw and say, "Wanna screw?" That shirt's very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you. Use index finger to call someone over then say, "I made you come with one finger, imagine what I co uld do with my whole hand." Wait until the end of the evening when everything is real hazy and alcohol soaked, walk up to someone you've never met and say, "Come on, we're leaving." (The key is to act like you know them.) Was your father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth! Were you just smiling at me from across the room, or do I have my contacts in wrong? What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My Zipper What's a nice girl like you doing talking to a loser like me? Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight? Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again? You are the only reason why I came in here alone. You know how some men buy really expensive cars to make up for certain, well, shortages? Well, I don't even own a car. You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad. You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb. You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute. You're so hot you would make the devil sweat. You're ugly but you intrigue me. bust a nut. Stop. Drop. and Roll baby, 'cause you're on fire! Are you free tonight or am I gonna have to pay? Were you raised on a chicken farm? Because you really know how to raise some cock. Walk up to a guy/girl hold up a $100 (or more if you're desperate) dollar bill and rip it in half in front of his/her face write your phone number on half of it and hand it to them. Then say, "how about you call me tomorrow and we'll figure out a way to spend this money?" What do you say we go behind a rock and get a little boulder? When I first saw you I almost had to call an ambulance to take me away because the sight of you stopped my heart! Do you have a sunburn baby, or are you always this hot? Baby you're a sex crime waiting to happen You with all those curves, and me with no brakes!! Baby, if you were words on a piece of paper, you'd be what they call fine print. Are you from tennessee? cuz, you're the only ten i see. you make ya software turm hard Hi, the voices in my head told me to come and talk to you Hey Baby, are your pants as wet as mine?? Hi! Do you want to play pretend? I'll be Bill Clinton and you can be Monica. Hi, My name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick? Is it hot in here or is it you? Did you have Campbell's soup today? (she answers yes/no) Because you're lookin' mmm... mmm... good! Hey so you want to see some magic? You and I will go to your place have sex and I'll disappear in the morning. Go up to the victim in question, start acting like a penguin having a fit, when she asks "what the hell are you doing?" Simply answer " i am being a pengiun" she will look puzzled, just before she tells you to go away say "I was trying to break the ice!!!!!" He: Do you fuck on first dates? She: No! He: Can I book two? Can I have a picture? I want Santa Claus to know exactly what to get me for Christmas. Are those space pants, 'cause your booty is out of this world! "Hey are you from Tennessee?" She says, "No, why?" You say, "Well you must be from Tennessee 'cause... you're the only ten I see." Would you like to be my love buffet so I can lay you on a table and take what I want? Damn girl you even look good with the lights on! Thats a nice outfit. It would look great crumpled up on my floor. If you look that good in clothes, you must look even better out of them. Wanna play war? I'll lay down and you can blow me away! Want to go halves in a bastered? That's a nice pair of pants. Can I talk you out of them? MMMMM....You give new meaning to the word "edible"! Let's play a game. I'll be the necropheliac, and you play dead!: "Do you sleep on your stomach?" Their reply: Yes/No. "Can I?" Hey, you wanna play lion? You go kneel over there and I'll throw you my meat. Would you like to dance? No. Oh thats o.k. I've got to take a shit anyway. "Hey, want to dance?" (If no) say: "Did you think I asked you to dance? No! I said, you look fat in those pants." So, I see you eat with utensils. Well, I've got one that I'm just dying to put in your drawers. You look a little feverish. Luckily I always have an oral thermometer on me. Are you sure that your gynacologist did good job on your last visit? You know, I'd be more than happy to probe around. A snake just bit my penis. Could you be so kind as to suck out the venom? Don't worry, I'll be back in a few six packs. Do you like blueberries or strawberries, 'cause I want to know what kind of pancakes to order in the morning. My mattress is a little hard. Would you like to help me break it in? I've got the F, the C, and the K, now all I need is U! Go up to someone (in a building or somewhere where there are a lot of people) and say, "There is a phone call for you." When asked who it is, say, "I don't know, but they asked to speak to the best looking guy/girl in the room." Wipe off your face and say "Here, I cleaned off this seat for you." My face is leaving in five minutes, be on it. If I were a dog would you help me bury my bone? Nice peaches, Can I shake your tree?! Girl Says "I'm Lost." Guy: "That's, OK cause I can help you find your way somewhere warm and cozy with me." You might as well fuck me, because I'm gonna tell everyone we did anyways! Wanna know what would look good on you? "Me." I lost my teddy bear will you sleep with me? He says, 'Have you tripped over a branch lately?' (yes or no doesn't matter) "How about a root?' Before you run, I am not a freak. Hello? Oh, your body was calling me from across the room. If looks were against the law you'd be arrested, booked, and jailed for life. I've got an alarm clock that makes the best sound in the morning. Would you like to come and hear it? Coffee? Tea? Me? I'm an army recruiter. Why don't you come over to my place and "be all you can be." I bet your dad's a baker, 'cause baby, you got some great buns. You must be a chef, because you certainly are mighty spicy. Excuse me, your fly is down. Oops, maybe not now but definately later. I didn't sleep with that girl, we were UP all night! If you were a pair of pants I'd wear you out!! Come and sit on my lap and see what pops up. Who stole the stars and put them in your eyes? Excuse me. I seem to have misplaced my willy-warmer. Do you mind if I try you on for size? I want to use your thighs as ear muffs. Lets play army, I lay down and you blow the hell out of me. Come over to my house and lets do math, subtract the clothes, add the bed, divide the legs, and we'll multiply. Hi, I'm (name). What's yours? (She answers. Start with small talk). What's your boyfriend's name? (if she answers, say "thats nice" and keep talking. This way you don't look like and asshole. If she say's "I don't have a boyfriend" (reply with) Oh, I find that hard to believe. Trust me, It Works. Say someone is waiting for a ride on the corner or something say: "Why wait for the ride when you got the amusment park right here?" I ain't no Fred Flintstone but I can make your bedrock. "Those are a nice set of legs....what time do they open? HOME NEXT